Reely Bernie’s Top 5 Worst Movies of 2022

Before I share my Top Ten of 2022 next week, I thought it might be fun to dish out my least favorite experiences watching movies this year. Like an expired carton of milk, the nausea of the flu during Thanksgiving break, or the wretched shrieking of a toddler, bad movies do exist, and they can make you just as sick. You wonder how you lost those 2 hours of your life when the credits start to roll, and you remember that it takes effort and a lot of money to make a bad movie. Then, you look up the word “resentment” in the dictionary, and you find the titles below.

I included my capsule reviews from my Letterboxd account, which is a fun way to keep a diary of all the movies I’ve seen. I highly recommend this app to any moviegoer.

Please feel free to agree, disagree, or at least laugh at my reactions to these atrocities that sucked hours away from my life…

5. Hocus Pocus 2, Directed by Anne Fletcher

Through a camera lens darkly, this Danny Elfman score-ripping, overly PC cash grab sequel appeals to bored Disney+ surfers and disappointed nostalgia hounds who keep searching for a better five minutes. The only thing refreshing is watching the 1650s Sanderson sisters discover modern technology, but this thing meanders for a conclusion just like its predecessor. Pray/curse this is finally the end. (Nurse on that, Bette.)

4. Triangle of Sadness, Directed by Ruben Östlund

An extraordinarily long-winded, wasted opportunity. What worked as “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again” social commentary ends up choking on its own pretentious vomitus. It’s not that Ruben Östlund runs out of ideas after forty minutes, it’s that his ideas are too straightforward, obvious, and ruthlessly unfunny. We understand that rich people are easy targets for mockery, but when their stereotypes are this blatant, you end up with an unsympathetic grind, riddled with wasted opportunities:

-Woody Harrelson and the concept of the drunk captain — wasted.
-Digestive juice expulsion scene — wasted.
–Below Deck satire — wasted.
-Survival of the social classes on an island — wasted.
-The creative mind of Ruben Östlund of my beloved Force Majeure (2014) — wasted.
-Two and a half hours of my life — wasted.

3. Trainwreck: Woodstock ’99, Directed by Jamie Crawford

If the Netflix/Hulu docs on the promoters of the Fyre Festival were examples of hubris, this frightening series is about pure, dangerous denial, lack of accountability, and utter ugliness of humanity. I had no idea until now that the Woodstock ‘99 situation was such a bottom feeding display of male machismo. Sinful and rotten — and concert coordinators, Michael Lang and John Scher, held the pitchforks.

Watching this sh*tshow and its irresponsible perspective is a fascinating and simultaneously shameful experience. The disgusting problem is that most of the interviewees are still in awe of its demeaning subject to a condoning degree. Even the hypotheses of what went wrong seem empty. You leave the whole thing feeling like you watched a snuff flick on inhumane possibility. I’m not sure how to rate this one, so I’ll light a candle for the end of gun violence.

2. Blonde, Directed by Andrew Dominik

If you can make it through the 2 hours and 46 minutes of horrid soft porn, Blonde spectacularizes Marilyn Monroe’s stardom as much as it exploits her flesh while possessing the cowardice to claim “fictionalized fiction” as justification for its irresponsibility.

It is merciless to the deceased Marilyn Monroe, the audience’s ideology of her, and the audience itself. This is the second piece of filth under the Netflix production label. Pray there isn’t a third…

1. Home Team (brought to you by Netflix), Directed by Charles Kinnane and Daniel Kinnane

Uninspired, unfunny, and unfortunate for anyone who possesses a soul and expects a family-oriented sports movie. Kevin James as Sean Payton couldn’t be a more miserable combination in life — as if both mopes get a chance to show us how luxuriously unhappy they are as Hollywood actor and NFL coach. Kudos to Rob Schneider for still managing to not be dead.

Thank you for reading and be sure to share YOUR least favorite movies of 2022!

Best,

Reely Bernie