Reely Bernie’s Top 5 Worst Movies of 2022

Before I share my Top Ten of 2022 next week, I thought it might be fun to dish out my least favorite experiences watching movies this year. Like an expired carton of milk, the nausea of the flu during Thanksgiving break, or the wretched shrieking of a toddler, bad movies do exist, and they can make you just as sick. You wonder how you lost those 2 hours of your life when the credits start to roll, and you remember that it takes effort and a lot of money to make a bad movie. Then, you look up the word “resentment” in the dictionary, and you find the titles below.

I included my capsule reviews from my Letterboxd account, which is a fun way to keep a diary of all the movies I’ve seen. I highly recommend this app to any moviegoer.

Please feel free to agree, disagree, or at least laugh at my reactions to these atrocities that sucked hours away from my life…

5. Hocus Pocus 2, Directed by Anne Fletcher

Through a camera lens darkly, this Danny Elfman score-ripping, overly PC cash grab sequel appeals to bored Disney+ surfers and disappointed nostalgia hounds who keep searching for a better five minutes. The only thing refreshing is watching the 1650s Sanderson sisters discover modern technology, but this thing meanders for a conclusion just like its predecessor. Pray/curse this is finally the end. (Nurse on that, Bette.)

4. Triangle of Sadness, Directed by Ruben Östlund

An extraordinarily long-winded, wasted opportunity. What worked as “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again” social commentary ends up choking on its own pretentious vomitus. It’s not that Ruben Östlund runs out of ideas after forty minutes, it’s that his ideas are too straightforward, obvious, and ruthlessly unfunny. We understand that rich people are easy targets for mockery, but when their stereotypes are this blatant, you end up with an unsympathetic grind, riddled with wasted opportunities:

-Woody Harrelson and the concept of the drunk captain — wasted.
-Digestive juice expulsion scene — wasted.
Below Deck satire — wasted.
-Survival of the social classes on an island — wasted.
-The creative mind of Ruben Östlund of my beloved Force Majeure (2014) — wasted.
-Two and a half hours of my life — wasted.

3. Trainwreck: Woodstock ’99, Directed by Jamie Crawford

If the Netflix/Hulu docs on the promoters of the Fyre Festival were examples of hubris, this frightening series is about pure, dangerous denial, lack of accountability, and utter ugliness of humanity. I had no idea until now that the Woodstock ‘99 situation was such a bottom feeding display of male machismo. Sinful and rotten — and concert coordinators, Michael Lang and John Scher, held the pitchforks.

Watching this sh*tshow and its irresponsible perspective is a fascinating and simultaneously shameful experience. The disgusting problem is that most of the interviewees are still in awe of its demeaning subject to a condoning degree. Even the hypotheses of what went wrong seem empty. You leave the whole thing feeling like you watched a snuff flick on inhumane possibility. I’m not sure how to rate this one, so I’ll light a candle for the end of gun violence.

2. Blonde, Directed by Andrew Dominik

If you can make it through the 2 hours and 46 minutes of horrid soft porn, Blonde spectacularizes Marilyn Monroe’s stardom as much as it exploits her flesh while possessing the cowardice to claim “fictionalized fiction” as justification for its irresponsibility.

It is merciless to the deceased Marilyn Monroe, the audience’s ideology of her, and the audience itself. This is the second piece of filth under the Netflix production label. Pray there isn’t a third…

1. Home Team (brought to you by Netflix), Directed by Charles Kinnane and Daniel Kinnane

Uninspired, unfunny, and unfortunate for anyone who possesses a soul and expects a family-oriented sports movie. Kevin James as Sean Payton couldn’t be a more miserable combination in life — as if both mopes get a chance to show us how luxuriously unhappy they are as Hollywood actor and NFL coach. Kudos to Rob Schneider for still managing to not be dead.

Thank you for reading and be sure to share YOUR least favorite movies of 2022!

Best,

Reely Bernie

32 thoughts on “Reely Bernie’s Top 5 Worst Movies of 2022

Add yours

  1. Triangle is going going to really split audiences, I liked the film a lot but can see why others haven’t warmed to it. I was genuinely surprised that it got in for Best Picture and Director at the Oscars with so much competition in those spots.
    E

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your thoughts, Eddie. Yeah, I thought it was a decent film through the “Yacht” chapter but dragged to nothingness afterwards. Definitely a divisive one. I’m more and more repelled by the inconsistent, elitist stagnation of the Oscars. A bunch of old white men determining “best” just doesn’t do it for me anymore.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I laughed a bit in the beginning too, primarily at the yacht scenes. But, I agree with you: its punchline was blatantly obvious, repetitive, and dull by the end. Thank you for reading. I look forward to catching up on your posts. Happy 2023!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Merry Christmas right back, my avid movie critic friend 🙂 I’ve got the two-year old and 2-monther smiling away. It’s a win. I thought it was a great year for movies (when I had time). I wish you good times across the ocean!

      Like

  2. I’ve only seen Hocus Pocus 2 and I agree, it was an uninspired retread. #1 for me would be Disney’s live action Pinocchio, because it butchered a classic story. Halloween Ends is a close second since it butchered a classic slasher.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I believe Pinocchio was unnecessarily remade TWICE this year by Zemeckis and del Toro. Are we really out of ideas today? Can we really not come up with something original? I heard Halloween Ends was extremely disappointing, especially to diehards. I stopped after the first 21st century one. Nothing can top the original and its direct sequel. Thank you for sharing your duds of the year!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m still going to see Hocus Pocus 2 just cause. Thing is, one I know why people dislike a movie, I tend to see it from their eyes. Overall, maybe a pretty good ranking though I’ve seen none of them

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanking my lucky stars I haven’t seen any of these. I haven’t given much thought to this topic, but as the year is quickly drawing to a close it’s worth visiting. I always “grade” big-budget failures more harshly than indie films because if you have a solid director and stars you shouldn’t make something dreadful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t usually do “worst” lists, but I felt compelled this year because these five really got under my skin. I agree with you: Big budgets with CGI galore tend to get bad grades from me. They just go after your money!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Bailey agrees with all of them except he never saw Triangle of Sadness…he said he was looking forward to it…but now not as much. I thought I would use him for this because I haven’t seen them…how come it’s not a big surprise that Kevin James is in the top one? I’ve read where he is just terrible to fans.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “Triangle” had promise and held strong until after 40 minutes. Then, it didn’t know what to do with its own brilliant setup. I’ve heard the same about Kevin James. He looks like he’s a miserable person, but in a movie and in real life. I hope he has better days ahead of him…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hate when movies do that…the one I think of was Jeepers Creepers. I loved that movie until the monster…I was not impressed lol.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. “Kudos to Rob Schneider for still managing to not be dead.” lmfao at that line. Yeah he’s kind of the worst. He’s much further down the ladder than Adam Sandler IMO.

    I’ll toss in another Netflix offering onto this steaming pile: Buddy Games, directed by and starring Josh Duhamel. If you want to inhale pure testosterone in a frat-bro ripoff that completely wastes Olivia Munn at the same time, there’s your next good time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah, never mind. That movie was actually from 2020 and I reviewed it last year! Hahah holy shit how is that still that fresh on my mind

      Like

    2. Haha, yeah, I heard that was rancid. What does Josh do other than look like Timothy Olyphant (sp.?)

      Netflix has lowered the bar these last couple of years…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ha yeah I also find this site frustrating. It’s increasingly full of bugs and weird things.

        I haven’t actually been keeping up with the band as much lately which is a shame but still usually get the odd old tune in or two while blogging. Hope you and the family is doing well! And happy holidays as well

        Like

  7. The only one I’ve seen is Hocus Pocus 2, which I didn’t think was horrible, but it definitely wasn’t great. I went in with low expectations though, so that might have helped. Haha! Excited to see your top list!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha! That’s probably it: I went in with HIGH expectations. Too high. Also, Bette’s ignorance on nursing challenges and why we need formula still ticks me off, so she could have made a better movie, haha!

      Liked by 1 person

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